Different.

So, I've been working for about 3 weeks so far, and man is it different from last year. I jumped right into LOD (leader on duty) shifts within the first week. It was difficult...not even knowing the team and having to be their go-to person if something went wrong, they needed something, or needed to be told what to do. It's definitely a lot more challenging, but it's getting much better. The team is much different from last summer's, but not in a bad way. It's just different. I'm really growing this summer in a professional sense. There's a lot more that goes into being an executive than is expected. Whether this is what I wanna do for my future, I don't know. It's very draining. It's a lot of work, and very demanding. But, someone's gotta do it. They will definitely offer me something that will be great right out of college. It's a lot to think about. I'm pretty sure they want me..but do I want them?? It's a lot to assess this summer and next. We shall see.

Real World.

I guess it's back to the real world for me. Kind of bitter sweet. I'm excited to be back at Target and making the big bucks, but I'm sad that my summer is pretty much over. I've had a lot of fun the past few weeks, but I guess it's time to start being an adult again..bummer! You know, these are the last few years that I will actually get a summer vacation, so I want to enjoy it the best that I can..but I guess I have to realize that this internship will benefit me in the long run as well! Ah well, my summer restarts as of around August 10th. Just in time for my 21st! I guess I can deal with that!

Expectations.

I really should stop writing shit down because after I do that, it all seems to go south. So much for CJ...I have no idea what happened. Of course, he's a man, so he's not gonna tell me! I'm tired of the shit. When do I get to be happy? When does something good happen for me? Ever? Whatever...

I love when you tell me that I'm pretty
When I just woke up
And I love how you tease me when I'm moody
But it's never too much
I'm falling fast but the truth is I'm not scared at all
You broke my walls

So lay here beside me just hold me and don't let go
This feelin' I'm feelin' is somethin' I've never known
And I just can't take my eyes off you
And I just can't take my eyes off you

I don't think I've felt this in a long time. The
past five days have been so much fun! I've spent
every night with CJ and I'm kind of sad that I'm
home tonight and can't spend it with him. Maybe I'm
crazy. Maybe I'm getting too involved, too quickly.
Maybe he doesn't want this at all. I get nervous
so easily..because I don't want to get hurt again.
I've spent my life getting hurt by people, and I
don't want him to be another one. But honestly,
I like him. It's amazing how things work out.
I was so pissed about blowing my tire, and so
freaked out. But, if I hadn't done that, I
wouldn't have met such a great guy. I just
hope things keep getting better with us!

This is new to me

I love kids. I've always loved kids. Ever since I was a little girl and used to beg my mom to have another child, I guess it showed how spoiled I was when she actually had one! Children are a true gift, and I've always known that. However, I know that I'm not ready to be a mom by any means. This brings me to my dilemma. I recently met a new guy..yeah, go figure..I get bored easily obviously! The story of how I met him is pretty interesting as well. Standing in line to get a new tire at wally world, pissed at the sales rep for not helping me, and there he was. He advised me of a different place to go, telling me I should never go to Wal-Mart for auto needs. I knew this fact, but at the time, it was the practical choice. Anyway, he got my number and told me of a better place to go and that if I had questions on how to get there that he'd help. So, there I was in Wal-Mart talking to this guy that was very attractive and really nice to have helped me out, and now I had his number and he had mine. But, I went home. I was just hanging around my apartment, and my phone goes off. It's a text from him! I was kind of in shock a bit, didn't expect him to text me...after all, I considered him out of my league. So, we got to texting, and he invited me over. So, I spent the night with him..nothing happened, just hung out and got to know each other. Well, one of the interesting facts I discovered about him was that he has 2 kids. Usually this fact would send me packing. I would normally have nothing to do with a young, single father with the possibility of baby mama drama. But, this seemed different. I guess it was a good thing that he let me get to know him before he revealed this to me! Who am I to judge his past choices? If he's a great guy, takes care of his kids and has his shit together, then why should I not give him a chance? So, that's exactly what I'm doing! He's just a great guy! I'm not saying that we're gonna get married and I'm gonna be a step-mom, but I'm ok with dating this guy even if he does have 2 children. Mostly because they're the cutest kids ever! Ok, maybe that's not entirely the reason, but they are cute kids! We will see how this guy goes, but so far so good! I'm definitely a fan! =)

Bitter Sweet.

This time of year always causes mixed emotions. Graduation in college is a lot different than in high school. Every year a handful of your friends graduate. After that day, they are no longer tied down to the area that they've spent the last 4 years. Once they walk across that stage, they're an adult. It's weird because in high school I really only became close to my class; sure I had older friends, but it wasn't the same as in college. And, if I want to see my high school friends again then I'd just go home. Now, once my friends graduate, they all disperse. Some go back to their hometowns, some find jobs in other cities, states even countries. The odds of even seeing them again quickly diminishes as the years pass. And it's not like I spent the last few years just going to classes with them, I've lived with them. We've all significantly grown together. Learning who we are, how to take care of ourselves, and how to ace these rather ridiculously hard courses. Although I am very excited for the semester to be over and for summer to begin, I can't help to be sad as I watch my friends finally reek the benefits of being a college graduate. So, congratulations to the class of 2010, but please come visit me!

Love/Hate Relationship?

As much as I hate finals week, I love it just the same. It's a week that tells me that the semester is almost over, and a full 4 months of Summer is awaiting me. The time spent studying is far less than the time spent bullshitting this week. There are a few more days that I actually get to sleep in. It's the end-of-the-year company party that everyone looks forward to. It's a sign that we're close to graduation. I don't know, I hate the idea of finals, but doesn't everyone? I sometimes look, though, at how good finals week can be. There are a lot of positives to it.

Before I die.

Life is too short not to do things that you dream of. Why spend life just struggling to get by and not living it? I think this is something that most people don't really think about. Everyone just does what comes to them: go to school, get a degree, get a job, pay bills, have family, etc. Granted, this is the nuclear standard, but still..to some extent, most people just do what they need to do in order to survive happily. Anyway, right here and right now, I am gonna make a small list...a list of things that I really wanna do before I die. I want to make the most of the time I have here on this Earth because who knows what will happen after I die. So here goes:

1. Audition for something big. Be it American Idol, Real World, or some other big reality show...I just wanna try!

2. Delete my facebook. I know this will take a long time before I do this, but I want to do it anyway. Someday, just press delete.

3. Engross myself in a foreign country. Whether for a week or a year, I want to go somewhere foreign and really experience it. I want to be more than a tourist.

4. Say thank you to my mom. My mother has been the biggest, and I mean biggest, help to me throughout my entire life in every aspect. I want to just say thank you, I don't know how, but I want to thank her and allow her to see how deeply appreciate I am.

5. Buy something designer. I just wanna throw away $300 on a designer bag or shoes or jeans. Can't take money with you when you die, so might as well spend it on something somewhat enjoyable.

6. Go on a trip with just me and my siblings when we're older. We can seriously have the most fun together when we're alone, and I'd really like to just spend quality time with them away from our normal environments.

7. Ride in a helicopter. Kind of self-explanatory. Maybe over an island.

8. Bottle-feed an animal. I just think this would be the cutest thing. I would love to bottle-feed some animal back to health and then give it to a family that could really appreciate it.

9. Go to a pumpkin patch. I've never been to a real pumpkin patch equipped with hay ride and corn maze. I think it would be fun!

10. Drive on the autobahn...not sure if that's spelled correctly. You know, in Germany where you can drive as fast as you want. It seems basically meant for me.

11. Go to a Vegas strip club. Okay, that sounds really horrible. But, I think it would be a load of fun!

12. Dance on a table, or maybe a bar. What a exemplary way to let loose!

13. Confront my past. I want to be able to talk about what has happened to me because I think it would help me learn from it and come to terms with it.

14. Submit some sort of writing to a publication. I want someone to be able to get something from the papers that I'm forced to write. I think it would make me less bitter for writing all of them.

15. Camp outside of a store on black Friday. I want to try and get an amazing deal on black Friday, such a great deal that I had to camp outside overnight and be the first one in the door!

16. Choreograph an entire dance and perform it at a club. I don't mean perform like on stage. But, whip it out and have the entire place cheering me on.

17. Coach a cheerleading squad. The nine years I was a cheerleader were seriously the best years of my life. As much blood, sweat and tears as I put into it, I enjoyed every single second of it. Most people don't think cheerleading is a sport and that is probably the one thing that pisses me off the most. I want to see the world try it.

18. Go snorkeling. I regret not doing this when we went to the Caribbean...and I plan to do this one day!

19. Say thank you for those that hurt me because they've made me stronger.

20. Learn how to be a bartender. I really wanna know how to make some kick-ass drinks, not that I already don't..but more! Plus, I could make some damn good money.

21. Talk to a deaf person. Whether they can read my lips or I can write on paper what I need to say, I want to know how they experience the world without hearing.

22. Meet someone famous.

23. Create a website. And a good one. That a lot of people will visit!

24. Create a marketing campaign. I don't care if it gets shot down, I want to create one for a big company and present it to them. If they like it, super and if not, at least I know I tried.

25. Be celibate. For at least a month. This has to be possible!

Ok, I'm gonna stop there for now. I think this is a good beginning. I will add on to this eventually. But, for now, this is what I got!

Well hello down there..

I'm just gonna put this out there on my blog for all to read. My boobs feel really low today. I didn't change anything, typical bra, standard cami..and yet, they're low. I don't like this feeling. I hope that this isn't how they'll look in a few years. This is the downfall (no pun intended) of big boobs. Ok, that is all...so don't make fun of my boobs today! And if you want to contribute to my boob lift fund..I will be collecting donations for the next 10 years..maybe 15!

Ugh.

So, after changing my relationship status on facebook, I knew that I'd have a backlash from Alan (not you Alana-Michelle!). Sure enough, I get an IM as soon as he gets on skype a little while ago. And the first thing he says, aside from the standard greetings, was about the relationship status change. It's so frustrating..I know that we talked pretty seriously for the past two months or so, but who was to know that things would change so drastically. It's not like we were together or even really openly considering that..we just flirted and talked about being excited to see and be with one another. He basically was just as confused as I was. Which I understand, but I just kinda feel smushed. He reminds me of Adam, not current Adam but old teacher Adam from last year. They are very similar creatures, those two. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't talk to me for a year, and then when I've figured my life out and am facebook single again, he'll be right back in front of me. It makes me wonder, was it me they were interested in or the idea of me? I was just an available girl that they were attracted to so they went after it, and once I was unreachable they backed off...but once I'm back in arms reach they come running back for more. This is so stupid. Why do I let those little sly comments get to me?! He was being so sweet about it in a sneaky way. Trying to boost his own self confidence? idk..maybe that's just me trying to boost my own because I feel bad for it. But, I shouldn't feel bad. WE WEREN'T TOGETHER! I think this is hard for me to come to terms with, and i dont know why. I feel like I broke a heart...blegh. I guess we'll see what happens...I'm so confused right now. I really don't know what I want. I know one thing, I need to stop watching sappy movies because all I can think about is being in love, and I'm not so sure I need that right now!

Confusion.

Another great night with Adam last night. He came over around 9pm and surprised me because I was expecting to drive out to his place and see him, but sure enough, he was waiting by my car when I walked outside to leave. It was a fun night, and we did a lot of talking. He reminded me of his deployment, though, which I don't want to think about, but I guess that I should. Maybe I should stop getting involved with military boys. It just seems like it's always gonna be a downer. I'm always gonna get stuck being let down. And, granted, he'll be back around mid-2011, but who knows what'll happen between now and then. I'm just not sure whether or not I want to get involved, and I don't even know if he wants to. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions with this whole thing. He probably just wants a casual relationship because he knows he can't become committed. Since I'm easy, he chose me. Blegh.

House.

I've been waiting for everyone else to write about this, but I can't wait any longer..and need to go ahead and do it myself! haha

We finally got a house! Aimee, Allison, Tijuana and myself will be living together once again, and can I just say..what a sigh of relief?! It's rare to find a group of people...girls..that you can get along with enough to live together. And I can say that I know we'll be fine because we've lived together before and look how we turned out..still friends. I'm so over my current living situation, that I'm so stoked to live with the best girls ever! Hopefully, though, I can figure out this damn apartment deal and find someone to take over my lease..or something! It's so frustrating to have money payments lingering over your head! Nonetheless, can't wait for move-in! =) Party central, fyi. ;)

Cookout.

i want to have a cookout! Equipped with hamburgers, hotdogs, chips, potato salad and beer. This should be the kickoff to summertime! I looove this idea! Maybe I should wait til Tijuana moves in, it can be her coming home partayyy! yes!! =)

Occupied.

I feel like my mind is forever filled up with boy thoughts. This is bad. i don't know which one I want, or what I want with which one, or if I want anything with anyone..more than what they all already are. I just want more deep thoughts going on...come on head, get with the program!

So torn.

As much fun as it is to have more than one boy, it's not as fun when feelings start to get involved...so lost on what I should do, what's gonna happen, and what will make me happy...ah man, I guess I'll let life run its course..maybe I'm over thinking things.

What I take for granted...

I think I've noticed a lot of things that I take for granted recently, so I've decided to make a list: sunny days, the sun, warmth, a stable home, a stable-ish family, deep conversations, friends to have those conversations with, alone time, hot showers, blooming flowers, great ideas, bad ideas, mediocre ideas...comfortable chairs, beds and couches..a place to lay my head at night, money for food to eat, clothes..lots of em, a walk-in closet, my own bathroom, rain, cuddle buddies, good music, good tears, bad tears, the ability to cry, walking barefoot, ability to walk, run, hide...thoughts, a mind, college, understanding people, people that make me smile, people that say hi, strangers, new friends, old friends, family...siblings that get me, siblings that can fight with me but ultimately love me, parents that do the same, bulletin boards, post-its, boats, cars, gas money, holidays, God?, ability to make my own decisions, making those decisions, independence, freedom, liberty, the country I live in, the countries I will or have visited, awkward moments, embarrassing moments, memories, pictures, beauty...

I could go on and on, but the point is..there is so much in life that we may take for granted...even of the smallest things, and I wanted to bring those amazing opportunities to life..even if only for a second. I am thankful that I have all of these things and more. Life is good...as good as it should be at the moment. =)

Waiting.

I'm sitting in my living room, with 2 sleeping souls next to me, and wondering what I should do. Should I mess with them? Or no? It's very tempting! So vulnerable to my attacks! They may read this later and thank me for not doing anything at all because I just don't have the heart to bother the sleeping beauties! =)

Insight.

I wish I had something insightful to write about. I think I'd like to write something along those lines, but I got nothing in my head right now. Only 6 more weeks of the semester, and I'm soo stoked! I'm ready for Audrey to be gone and to have Tijuana here for the summer! It's gonna be grreat!! I don't need drama anymore because, frankly, it's getting rather old. I think the climate change is a character change. No more arguments, just apathy. ? hmm..maybe that will work for me

Experiences.

Someone's gotta write this stuff down! Last night, went to a potluck with Allison and Tijuana, in the middle got bombarded with shitty texts from Sara, that I really didn't want to deal with. Seriously, I get these messages probably about once a week, where she's trying to "help", but in actuality wants to be nosey and a bitch and then claim that I'm the bitchy one. I couldn't handle it, so I told the girls I wanted to leave and just drive. So, we took my car, stopped at WaWa for a pee break, then rushed by the shipyard to see if we could have eye sex with any sexy navy boys (no luck!), and then we were on our way. Letting our wheels take us wherever they led us. Interestingly enough, it led us right to Ocean View Beach (I think that's the naame..someone verify!). It was pretty at night. With the lights from Norfolk shining down across the water, my favorite scene. We went onto the pier, hoping we could cross the restaurant and get to the actual pier part. At first there was a scary man, and we didn't want to get raped or killed for crossing onto his pier, so we decided to go upstairs in this restaurant. It was really pretty up there, and then we found it. The boat mobile! Seriously, best invention ever. The entire table and bench rocked. It was out of this world! ;) No, but seriously, it was very cool and I would love to go really eat and sit there sometime. Anyway, after freezing our asses off, we decided it was time to end that adventure and try to get into a bar without IDs (this would have been a fun plan, btw!). However, Tijuana had found a secret exit..well, not so secret with the decorate exit sign, but still. This exit just so happened to lead straight to the other side of the pier. So, feeling rebellious, we went. We tried not to stare at the scary man at the gate, and just walked down the pier. It was fun, very long, but fun. And well, well, well...got to the end of the pier, and what do we find? Only 3 of our new best friends! There were 3 guys at the end of the pier just fishing..go figure...and we just started chatting it up, this is normal for me anywhere I go, btw. It was fun, though..except for the whole scaring me with fish thing! But, the prank phone calls, silly voices, truffle shuffle, story-telling, it was just fun. Being with those kids kind of reminds me of the river. Everyone knows everyone, all your friends are intermingled, everything revolves around the water. You learn at a young age that if you don't like the water, you'll have no interest there. So, that's what everyone does. And, not that it's a bad thing, but for me, it's gotten so old. I like going to the river, don't get me wrong, but it's a very nosey atmosphere there. I feel like many people think that because I've always wanted to live in an urban area when I grow up, it's because that's all I've known. And, that's really not even true. I've been to the river almost every summer since I was a baby, usually for weeks on end especially when I was younger and didn't have work. And, it was a lot of fun. I used to love spending my summers down there. Riding in the boats, tubing, jet skiing, tanning, swimming, crabbing, fireworks on the cove, tire swing over the cove, friends, summer romance, all that jazz. But, as I got older I learned how much everyone knew my business. I would be gone all school year, and come back..and the entire street knew everything. Boyfriends, friendships, first kiss, second kiss, third kiss (I could keep going..), drunk stories, anything. And, I loved these people, they have been my second family since I was born, but still, I don't want them to know that much detail about my life. And, if I did, I would tell them. It's just funny how so many people dream of living in small towns, to me, it's funny. I wouldn't dream of it. I don't want it. I wanna find my family inside the city that I live in. That would be ideal. Although, I wouldn't mind living near water. That has nothing to do with it! haha

Inspiration.

Just finished watching Julie & Julia, and I must say it is quite inspirational. Maybe I should give myself a mission to complete just like Julie Powell did, or maybe that's exactly what she wanted us to do as we watched her movie and/or read her book. I don't want to fulfill someone else's dream, I want to fulfill my own. Guess I just need to discover what that dream really is.

Selfish or selfless?

Are we here to serve ourselves? I feel like I've gradually learned that everyone on Earth will, in some way or another, serve themselves ultimately. It's all about keeping yourself happy, and although we may say that our goal is to help others, that makes us happy, with would be us serving ourselves again. I guess it's an endless cycle. To me, though, we're a selfish nation, a selfish continent, a selfish world. Maybe I should stop worrying about the way that other people treat me and just realize that they're fulfilling their ultimate requirement in life, to make themselves happy.

Love.

I put my iTunes on shuffle..always..but recently, it seems to be reminding me of love. Every song seems to be a sappy love song about being in a relationship, in love or something cutesy like that. I'm not sure if it's the change in temperature or the constant reminder that everyone is in a relationship around me. I know I don't want to be in one, I know that I like being single, but the music I'm surrounded by keeps making me unsure. Do I want to keep having fun or am I ready to settle down? But, do I really want to put myself at risk again to get hurt? These are the thoughts I toy with in my head.

..

I have nothing else to say. Except, I'M GETTING MY NEW CAR TODAYYYY!! It's about damn time! Not new, just new to me! =)

Purpo

Just finished watching "My Sister's Keeper", and what a sad, but thought-provoking movie! If you haven't seen it and don't want me to ruin the ending, then I wouldn't read this blog..just a disclaimer. Anyway, as I sat crying in Panera, I realized that I wasn't crying because this girl undeservingly had to die. I was crying because I realized the purpose that, as a society, we've created for ourselves. Is our purpose not to live? Almost everything we do, or don't do, is a result of trying to maintain our life. We're sick? We go to the doctor. We're hurt? We go to the doctor. We're smart? We find cures. It's risky? Don't do it. And, I'm not saying that it's wrong for us to have created such a purpose, but when can we make the decision to finally go? We always ask the question, how do you want to die? For me, I couldn't tell you. I know I want to live my life out, but if I die to save or help another family member or friend or person in general, then I am okay with that as well. I don't want to live until I take my last struggling breath at the age of 102. What's the purpose of living such a long life? Why not stop taking precautions, live life how I want, and if it takes my life, then so be it! At least my life will have been fulfilled, in my eyes. Life is so complex, and I don't think it's okay to live life trying to take every precaution in order to preserve mine until I'm well over a century old. I just don't see the purpose in that. It all comes back to that word: purpose. And people will probably disagree with me about my idea of human purpose, but I believe it. I believe we are so focused on surviving, that death scares us. And why should it?! It's a natural progression. It's going to happen. Whether as a young child or a seasoned adult, I think our focus should be on living our life and making sure those who are dying around us can die peacefully. Let them go when they're ready. Let them decide. And, if you feel that they can't decide for themselves, then you make the decision. Don't let the questionable nature of the afterlife affect you, and don't you dare be selfish and keep them around for your own well-being. How profound of me, eh?! I don't know...something to think about, I guess.

Oh life, you have a way of figuring yourself out..right?!

A lot has happened in the last few days, I guesss..I've realized how tired I am of the bullshit, and how much I really don't like living arrangements I am currently involved in. Maybe this happens to me often..after living with someone for so long, I notice every little quirk, and everything just starts to eat away at me. I think by choosing to not go home the last couple days, and spending nights with my girls has reminded me how much they made for the best roommates! Why not go back to that?! I'm tired of tip-toeing around my home, having to be uncomfortable where I live, and feeling like I do not deserve to live the way I want to because the person I live with is "superior". Only 7 and a half more weeks, let me keep telling myself that.

More for what has happened...apparently, my parents are buying me a new car today..well, not new..but new to me! I haven't even seen it which makes me nervous, but anything is better than having no automobile at all! It's about time! haha I'm thankful that my entire family has jumped on board with aiding in this search. So hopefully by Thursday I'll have a new ride! We'll see!

I also went to see the campus recruiter for Target today because they were on campus talking to students. Well, I talked to her about trying to get me down in this district (tidewater) for the summer, and she said that the District Team Lead (manager) for the Richmond district doesn't want to give me up, and is basically making me go back to Richmond for the internship this summer. This worries me. I'm going to be paying rent in Newport News, so I have to stay here to live, but do I want to commute to Richmond everyday? I'm not sure what to do. The money is definitely right, but that is the worst commute on the planet! haha Apparently they want me at the Short Pump store, and I've never worked a high volume store. But maybe there are hotter guys at the store! We'll see!

And finally, how about this weather?! I fucking love it. I don't know how else to put it. Unfortunately, it demotivates me from going to class, but that's ok! I'm so glad the cold weather is gone, hopefully not just temporarily! Beautiful day!

Mother?

My biggest pet peeve, and I mean BIGGEST, is when people treat me like I am subservient or of lesser importance, or just the scum between their toes..and worst of all, like their child! When someone talks down to me and wants to treat me like that, expect me to shut down and be pissed. Story comes out, ok, so apparently this weekend Audrey's ugly ass picture frame broke..who gives a fuck, consider me doing you a favor..because it was ugly! Anyway, I really have no idea what happened to it, can't really recall..go figure! haha..But, she comes at me like it's a huge deal. Telling me that she feels like she can't leave for long periods of time because something always happens. Well, then don't leave! I don't care! Stop trying to talk down to me every time something bad happens. I'm thoroughly sick of it! I don't understand why someone feels the need to treat someone like that..I'm an adult just like you, so please speak to me like anything less. I feel like just because I'm not the age of everyone else, just a few months younger, I get treated like I'm some baby...I'm not a baby! I'm not a child! I'm not even a teenager! And, I sure as hell ain't yours anyway! Learn how to speak to me, and then maybe we can work out your broken shit problem!

Impatience.

I am not the patient type. I'm okay with that. Definitely grown to accept it. But, right now..it's eating away at me! I feel like I've found such good cars, but my mom keeps looking elsewhere. There will always be others, but eventually you have to stop looking and choose! I'm in a bind, and she doesn't seem to understand because she obviously has a car! This is frustrating..I just want to get one! I like the Cavalier...let's go get it! Booooo

Decisions...decisions.

Spent the day shopping for cars with my mom. Started at 9am, and now look..it's 530pm, and I just got home. I'm happy, though, with the way it all turned out. Now i have 2 cars that I'm looking it, and it's just a matter of getting our mechanic to look at them both before making a final decision. Car shopping is so unnerving..you have only a certain amount of money you can spend, but there's certain things you obviously want. You go to these random places and you're either attacked by 50 people or you have to search for someone to help you..then, when something is wrong with the car, they act like they didn't know..when, in actuality, we all know they did! It's ok..at least I have a plan A and plan B, now I just hope I get the green light from the mechanic, and I'll be set! Being without a car has been quite annoying, not only for me..but probably for everyone else that has given me rides, thank you guys for that though!! Wish me luck tomorrow!

Give me a Brrrrrrrreak!

It's finally Spring Break! Oh, thank God! Last night was....interesting, to say the least. Equipped with classy liquor, make out sessions, ear gnawing, dirty boys, screaming girls, and wonderful friends..oh, and samurai sam! I could never forget about him. Now, that the kickoff is over..I'm not sure the week could get any better..actually, under my circumstances, I know they can't! My mom wanted me to come home for a few days, so now I'm in Richmond until Wednesday. After only 2 hours of being here, my family has already driven me craaazy! We will see how this progresses over the next few days! haha Honestly, though, I'm just looking forward to making up for the lack of sleep.

Grab a Bull by the Horn...Just Like Life..

I'm ready to get control back of my life. I feel like the past few days, weeks, months, I've let things get out of control and overwhelm me. I've let my body follow its desires, and my mind and brain just stood by and watch it happen. I don't want to look back in a few years or so and regret any decisions that I've made now. I'm afraid that at the rate I'm going this will happen. I'm smarter than that. Life is funny that way. I'm tired of the emotions and drama that go along with the way I've established myself thus far. It's time for a change, and I think things are finally coming back together so that I can do that.

Life Should Have a Soundtrack

As I sit in Panera, next to the fire, with an empty cup of Raspberry Ice tea and an earful of Michael Buble, I watch the world keep moving around me. It's interesting to watch people carry out their everyday lives, with no sound, just music. I sit here silently and view the interaction between people, it's so inspiring. Quite poetic, actually.

Funny.

Well, first off, before I get to the juice of this post, I'd like to thank ALLISON for making my blog b-e-a-utiful! What a great way to spend a rainy day..fixing Amber's dull blog! But now, it's happenin' and all the other fellow blog owners are looking at my blog with jealous eyes because they want one as cool as me...well, my friends, just get an amazing best friend that can fix all of your problems! that's what I did!

Anyway, on to the story I was referring to in an earlier post. Well, before I begin, you will need some background information to understand the story to its full, exciting extent! Ok, so around this time last year I was given the opportunity to travel to Atlanta, GA with my fellow brothers in AKPsi for a business conference. Needless to say, it was very little business and a whole lotta...drinking and partying! Being the smoker that I am (yeah, don't judge!), I spent a lot of time sitting outside the hotel with about 50 other smokers. Also, because it was a couple of nights of, basically, partying, I was also pretty drunk those nights. When I am drunk, I'm friendly..I mean, hey..when I'm sober, I'm friendly! Anyway, with a little bit of alcohol, a little bit of personality, and a little bit of bad habit (smoking..), I got to meet some really cool people. Now, keep this in mind as I get to the story I want to tell.

Well, last night, as I was wasting time on facebook, I somehow ended up sending a junk notification to a few of my facebook friends. This doesn't happen..well..ever because I normally just ignore the junk on that site (mafia, farmtown, etc.), but I guess this one slipped by me. Moving on, after sending this notification I get an IM pop-up from this guy I know...this guy I met..last year in Atlanta. How random is that! Let me finish, though...I just started talking to him. He was a really cool guy there, and I figured you can't change much in a year, and I was really interested in the conversation we were having. Well, trying to make this short, he ended up asking about the weather..and ironically asked "When does it stop snowing?". This took me by surprise because it was a very awkwardly asked question. I thought he was referring to individual storms, so I replied "Whenever it's done..?". He laughed and clarified that he was asking what month or around what time of year it stopped snowing in VA (he's from FL, mind you, so he's not used to all the fluffy white stuff!). I laughed and informed him that it changes every year...we may not get any snow the entire season or we may have snowstorms all the way up into April. I asked him why he wanted to know, and he replied "Well, I kinda wanted to know what the weather was gonna be like when i come visit". This took me by surprise..what? Someone wants to travel 4 states to come visit me?! We got to talking...to make a long story short, he wants to be my date to formal in April! Someone..that doesn't know my promiscuous rep, is coming HERE to see ME! This doesn't happen to girls like me! Someone wants to see me for more than just sex?! I'm soo excited! Like, a kid in a candy store! Maybe this isn't as exciting to others as it is to me, but considering what I've been through the past few weeks, I'm stoked! =) I guess good can really come out of anything!

NEWS!

So, I have a story to tell everyone...very exciting..at least to me! But, I won't reveal it in typed text until I tell everyone I want to in person! =)

Never alone?

You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

When a friend leaves you and still expects you to believe that they're
there for you, what are you supposed to believe? I know that I'm
struggling to believe anything that comes out of her mouth anymore,
and so, I've moved on. As hard it is for me to say that, I am tired of
compromising my feelings for the ego of someone else. It is becoming
an up-and-down roller coaster for my emotions just to be subservient
to someone else. That's not me at all. That's not the reputation I want
to portray. If you realize how close I was or still could be to you,
then that is your call. Until you realize that, I'm not going to be
your little pet.
Not anymore.

You're  not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell 

I don't think I am as alone as my mind tells me. I have realized
how great of a support system I have in such a time of need. My
true friends are really showing themselves, and how thankful I
am for that! Maybe this all happens for a reason. Maybe it
happened so I can realize who really is there for me. Through
thick and thin. Through trial and tribulation. As much as I want
to believe that I didn't waste my time with a person for over a
year, I can't kid myself anymore. I feel like I've hurt the people
that really were my friends. How sorry I am for that! How much
I regret that! You guys, and you all know who you are :), are the
best friends a girl could EVER ask for! Thank you for
making sure I'm not alone! I love you!  

Therapy

I feel like I'm always ranting and venting on this blog, but it honestly helps me to get it out on some type of forum instead of blowing up on someone. Anyway..

I feel betrayed. Back-stabbed. Disposed of. As I sit here in tears, my former best friend is creating the same relationship we used to have with my roommate. I am no longer good enough, and the person that was supposed to be there through thick and thin is gone. I made a mistake. I try not to have many regrets in life, but sometimes I think this was one of them. I spent too much time with this one person, thinking our relationship was unstoppable, untouchable, like a brick wall. I was wrong. As soon as I made a mistake, she was gone. Why should this make me want to create relationships with anyone anymore? I can't hold it back anymore...I need to let my emotions escape me so that I can start focusing on more productive thoughts. But for now, this is my therapy.

Crumble.

I'm tired of watching the world around me fall to pieces and me struggling to stand tall. Can I weather this storm? I'm fighting tears, and I don't know how to stop it, how to control it, how to overcome such confusion. I thought I was coming to terms with the changes that were occurring, but then things get worse or I look back and miss what I had. Things are fine now, but I can't stop wanting everything to go back to the way it was, but yet with a bit of a change in myself. I learned my lesson, why can't everything just go back?! I know what I need to alter in my schema, now just let me have everything else back, too! I guess life never goes the way you want it or the way you plan..because if you would've asked me 6 wks ago, I never would've predicted this one! I need a priority list..someone help me make one?

Classic

So, I was sitting in Panera, bored out of my mind, and putting all things on my to-do list aside. Randomly I was just fucking around on the internet, and what do I find?! My old online photo albums from a few years ago! I just sat for an hour or so and relived memories of some of the best years of my life! Not saying that the memories I'm making now are sub-par, but that time in my life was perfect for me. There was no stress of rent, bills, financial status; no stress of future, career; no stress of image, reputation or image. I was living life carelessly, and had little to no repercussions for any of it! As I grow older, though, I realize the steps we all have to take to get to where we wanna be. I have to be mindful of my financial status as to not go into debt when I have bills, rent, and tuition to pay for. I have to be driven and focused on where I want to be down the road because the decisions I make today affect where I'll be then. And, I have to pay attention to the way I establish myself to the public eye, so I don't have people looking at me the wrong way and therefore treat me any differently than what is appropriate. Those pictures are just visual representations of how much I've grown since then, in a good way! I've grown up, and there's a lot more where that came from!

What I Gave You Is Yours To Keeep...

I learned a lot about myself today. Without going into too many details, I realized that I spend too much time focusing on things I shouldn't. I waste time being driven on certain thoughts, values, characteristics and put other attributes on the back burner. I'm going to work on this...obvi I need to balance out all of the important parts of my life! To all my friends: please make sure that I stick to this!

I also just want to say that I'm really reevaluating who my true friends are. I mean that, honestly. I'm tired of being the person that people can treat like shit, and have no repercussions. I don't want to be walked all over anymore. Time for a new leaf to be turned over. I will treat everyone the same way, but as soon as you treat me like I am nothing to you, then you should expect the same from me. Maybe not to quite that extreme, but you will lose my close friendship. That sounds like a horrible thing to say, but honestly, I'm tired of being drained by giving and never receiving...not all my friends are like this, but some are.

It's a new day.

Another day..

Today was such a blahhh day! I feel very unproductive..but yet, I'm okay with that! It was weird not going to campus today.

I felt really ill last night. I couldn't fall asleep because I was coughing so excessively..at one point I even coughed up blood. I just shrugged that off as part of the healing process though..no worries! I just want to be back to normal..I'm over this whole sick thing..forreal!

Last night (prior to the trying to fall asleep part), was fantastic! It's always good to have a friend that you can go to, no matter what, and just reveal every thought, every problem, every fear, every..everything! It was such a relief to be able to just empty out all of the bottled-up feelings and thoughts and not have someone judge you for them. Thank you friend, for always being there for me! =)

It's a big, big world out there..

Have you ever felt like you're facing the world all alone? Like, it's you against the world..no one on your side..I think I feel that way now. I mean, I have friends that are there for me, but I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through, but I want them to. I want to open up and just pour out my emotions and thoughts and struggles, but I just can't do it. Why? Because the last time I did that I was thrown to the curb...a friend found a reason to basically get up and leave me. Leave me stranded to face my trials and struggles (that they, essentially, exposed) by myself. I guess that is possibly what is expected out of life. But if that's what is expected, then I don't like it! Maybe I shouldn't be so reliant on the support of other people, maybe I should continue to build a wall and rely only on the support of my own two feet. I'm so lost at the moment, and all I can do is hide it. Pretend that I'm still the peppy, full-of-energy, focused girl that everyone sees and knows. Who cares what's going on in the inside...all that matters is that everyone else is happy...


To those of you that are my true friends, this is, of course, not directed toward you! disclaimer..=)

Drunken Dilemma's

As I lie in my bed, my nasal spray to my right and 2 empty beer cans accompanying it, I think back to last night. After such a long ass week with so much bullshit, I really just wanted to get wasted last night. I'm not gonna lie about it...I'm not an alcoholic, but everyone knows that sometimes alcohol can just help you set aside your current worries and just relax. Well, that's exactly what it did for me last night, and I'm very thankful for it! Although, I do not appreciate the stolen beer (Jesus and his friends! haha). I'm glad that my girlies could come over, I'm not sure I'd ever seen Tijuana drunk and it's been awhile since I've seen Allison drunk (haha I've missed that!)! So, that was fun! Probably played out the game of kings...3 games at my apt and then 3 or 4 at Jesus'. Nonetheless, it was still fun! I'll probably take a break from it tonight...

One per day

I figure the more daily I write in this blog, the more accustomed I will become to using it. After reading Tijuana's post, I feel like it's a day for friends, no? Sometimes you have to take a step back to realize who your true friends are. I guess I did that. I spent a semester focusing on myself and not maintaining relationships that I should've...this is hard to admit...but I started this semester differently. Guess who was there? Those friends that I put on the back burner for a bit, they were right there...waiting for me. What a relief! To know that I didn't ruin something so special to me. I jumped right back into these relationships like nothing had changed, I love them for that! This shows me who my true friends are...this makes me realize that I'd be so different without them. I'm not good at writing all this...but there you are! i love my friends..my real friends..my true friends..my friends forever! =)

What's up Doc?

Soo..ear started hurting last night, and definitely predicted an ear infection. So, I woke up this morning, went to class and then went to the doctors office. After looking at my ears and sinuses, she informed me that I have a ruptured (perforated) eardrum! Not exciting! This means that I have to take meds for 3 wks, have muffled hearing for 2 wks, and have to have bi-weekly checkups to make sure everything heals correctly..anyone want to kill me now?! Oh well...I'll live...! =)

Blahhh weather.

This is how I feel about this weather...says it all.

Snow?

So, everyone seems to be writing about this snowstorm, guess I should add to the mix. I don't mind jumping on the bandwagon. Left the house at 7:30am to a small, but quite lovely, snowy downfall. I was quite impressed with the less-than-below freezing temperature, but yet beautiful white mix falling from the sky. "What a beautiful winter wonderland", I thought. Anyway, headed off to class and patiently enjoyed learning about the perpetual and periodic journal entry writing that takes place in accounting, what an interesting topic! My mind drifted off for a split second, only to realize that a blizzard was occurring outside. I could no longer see the parking lot that was feet away, instead the air was filled with snowflakes and you could almost see the temperature falling. I was nervous. Scared. Yet excited at the thought that I could possibly give my day up to much-needed rest with the possibility of canceled classes. The clock struck 8:50, and I bundled myself up and prepared to expose myself to this wintery mess. I couldn't see. The snow was so strong and the wind was so fierce, that it hindered my visibility to the outside world. This immediately made me think that class would definitely be canceled, but it's not. Let's hope that when it starts back up at 4, it will really be a ridiculous blizzard!

HIiiii

I'm starting a blog...I will write more later. Did I mention I'm a procrastinator?