Give me a Brrrrrrrreak!

It's finally Spring Break! Oh, thank God! Last night was....interesting, to say the least. Equipped with classy liquor, make out sessions, ear gnawing, dirty boys, screaming girls, and wonderful friends..oh, and samurai sam! I could never forget about him. Now, that the kickoff is over..I'm not sure the week could get any better..actually, under my circumstances, I know they can't! My mom wanted me to come home for a few days, so now I'm in Richmond until Wednesday. After only 2 hours of being here, my family has already driven me craaazy! We will see how this progresses over the next few days! haha Honestly, though, I'm just looking forward to making up for the lack of sleep.

Grab a Bull by the Horn...Just Like Life..

I'm ready to get control back of my life. I feel like the past few days, weeks, months, I've let things get out of control and overwhelm me. I've let my body follow its desires, and my mind and brain just stood by and watch it happen. I don't want to look back in a few years or so and regret any decisions that I've made now. I'm afraid that at the rate I'm going this will happen. I'm smarter than that. Life is funny that way. I'm tired of the emotions and drama that go along with the way I've established myself thus far. It's time for a change, and I think things are finally coming back together so that I can do that.

Life Should Have a Soundtrack

As I sit in Panera, next to the fire, with an empty cup of Raspberry Ice tea and an earful of Michael Buble, I watch the world keep moving around me. It's interesting to watch people carry out their everyday lives, with no sound, just music. I sit here silently and view the interaction between people, it's so inspiring. Quite poetic, actually.

Funny.

Well, first off, before I get to the juice of this post, I'd like to thank ALLISON for making my blog b-e-a-utiful! What a great way to spend a rainy day..fixing Amber's dull blog! But now, it's happenin' and all the other fellow blog owners are looking at my blog with jealous eyes because they want one as cool as me...well, my friends, just get an amazing best friend that can fix all of your problems! that's what I did!

Anyway, on to the story I was referring to in an earlier post. Well, before I begin, you will need some background information to understand the story to its full, exciting extent! Ok, so around this time last year I was given the opportunity to travel to Atlanta, GA with my fellow brothers in AKPsi for a business conference. Needless to say, it was very little business and a whole lotta...drinking and partying! Being the smoker that I am (yeah, don't judge!), I spent a lot of time sitting outside the hotel with about 50 other smokers. Also, because it was a couple of nights of, basically, partying, I was also pretty drunk those nights. When I am drunk, I'm friendly..I mean, hey..when I'm sober, I'm friendly! Anyway, with a little bit of alcohol, a little bit of personality, and a little bit of bad habit (smoking..), I got to meet some really cool people. Now, keep this in mind as I get to the story I want to tell.

Well, last night, as I was wasting time on facebook, I somehow ended up sending a junk notification to a few of my facebook friends. This doesn't happen..well..ever because I normally just ignore the junk on that site (mafia, farmtown, etc.), but I guess this one slipped by me. Moving on, after sending this notification I get an IM pop-up from this guy I know...this guy I met..last year in Atlanta. How random is that! Let me finish, though...I just started talking to him. He was a really cool guy there, and I figured you can't change much in a year, and I was really interested in the conversation we were having. Well, trying to make this short, he ended up asking about the weather..and ironically asked "When does it stop snowing?". This took me by surprise because it was a very awkwardly asked question. I thought he was referring to individual storms, so I replied "Whenever it's done..?". He laughed and clarified that he was asking what month or around what time of year it stopped snowing in VA (he's from FL, mind you, so he's not used to all the fluffy white stuff!). I laughed and informed him that it changes every year...we may not get any snow the entire season or we may have snowstorms all the way up into April. I asked him why he wanted to know, and he replied "Well, I kinda wanted to know what the weather was gonna be like when i come visit". This took me by surprise..what? Someone wants to travel 4 states to come visit me?! We got to talking...to make a long story short, he wants to be my date to formal in April! Someone..that doesn't know my promiscuous rep, is coming HERE to see ME! This doesn't happen to girls like me! Someone wants to see me for more than just sex?! I'm soo excited! Like, a kid in a candy store! Maybe this isn't as exciting to others as it is to me, but considering what I've been through the past few weeks, I'm stoked! =) I guess good can really come out of anything!

NEWS!

So, I have a story to tell everyone...very exciting..at least to me! But, I won't reveal it in typed text until I tell everyone I want to in person! =)

Never alone?

You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

When a friend leaves you and still expects you to believe that they're
there for you, what are you supposed to believe? I know that I'm
struggling to believe anything that comes out of her mouth anymore,
and so, I've moved on. As hard it is for me to say that, I am tired of
compromising my feelings for the ego of someone else. It is becoming
an up-and-down roller coaster for my emotions just to be subservient
to someone else. That's not me at all. That's not the reputation I want
to portray. If you realize how close I was or still could be to you,
then that is your call. Until you realize that, I'm not going to be
your little pet.
Not anymore.

You're  not alone
There is more to this i know
You can make it out
You will live to tell 

I don't think I am as alone as my mind tells me. I have realized
how great of a support system I have in such a time of need. My
true friends are really showing themselves, and how thankful I
am for that! Maybe this all happens for a reason. Maybe it
happened so I can realize who really is there for me. Through
thick and thin. Through trial and tribulation. As much as I want
to believe that I didn't waste my time with a person for over a
year, I can't kid myself anymore. I feel like I've hurt the people
that really were my friends. How sorry I am for that! How much
I regret that! You guys, and you all know who you are :), are the
best friends a girl could EVER ask for! Thank you for
making sure I'm not alone! I love you!  

Therapy

I feel like I'm always ranting and venting on this blog, but it honestly helps me to get it out on some type of forum instead of blowing up on someone. Anyway..

I feel betrayed. Back-stabbed. Disposed of. As I sit here in tears, my former best friend is creating the same relationship we used to have with my roommate. I am no longer good enough, and the person that was supposed to be there through thick and thin is gone. I made a mistake. I try not to have many regrets in life, but sometimes I think this was one of them. I spent too much time with this one person, thinking our relationship was unstoppable, untouchable, like a brick wall. I was wrong. As soon as I made a mistake, she was gone. Why should this make me want to create relationships with anyone anymore? I can't hold it back anymore...I need to let my emotions escape me so that I can start focusing on more productive thoughts. But for now, this is my therapy.

Crumble.

I'm tired of watching the world around me fall to pieces and me struggling to stand tall. Can I weather this storm? I'm fighting tears, and I don't know how to stop it, how to control it, how to overcome such confusion. I thought I was coming to terms with the changes that were occurring, but then things get worse or I look back and miss what I had. Things are fine now, but I can't stop wanting everything to go back to the way it was, but yet with a bit of a change in myself. I learned my lesson, why can't everything just go back?! I know what I need to alter in my schema, now just let me have everything else back, too! I guess life never goes the way you want it or the way you plan..because if you would've asked me 6 wks ago, I never would've predicted this one! I need a priority list..someone help me make one?

Classic

So, I was sitting in Panera, bored out of my mind, and putting all things on my to-do list aside. Randomly I was just fucking around on the internet, and what do I find?! My old online photo albums from a few years ago! I just sat for an hour or so and relived memories of some of the best years of my life! Not saying that the memories I'm making now are sub-par, but that time in my life was perfect for me. There was no stress of rent, bills, financial status; no stress of future, career; no stress of image, reputation or image. I was living life carelessly, and had little to no repercussions for any of it! As I grow older, though, I realize the steps we all have to take to get to where we wanna be. I have to be mindful of my financial status as to not go into debt when I have bills, rent, and tuition to pay for. I have to be driven and focused on where I want to be down the road because the decisions I make today affect where I'll be then. And, I have to pay attention to the way I establish myself to the public eye, so I don't have people looking at me the wrong way and therefore treat me any differently than what is appropriate. Those pictures are just visual representations of how much I've grown since then, in a good way! I've grown up, and there's a lot more where that came from!

What I Gave You Is Yours To Keeep...

I learned a lot about myself today. Without going into too many details, I realized that I spend too much time focusing on things I shouldn't. I waste time being driven on certain thoughts, values, characteristics and put other attributes on the back burner. I'm going to work on this...obvi I need to balance out all of the important parts of my life! To all my friends: please make sure that I stick to this!

I also just want to say that I'm really reevaluating who my true friends are. I mean that, honestly. I'm tired of being the person that people can treat like shit, and have no repercussions. I don't want to be walked all over anymore. Time for a new leaf to be turned over. I will treat everyone the same way, but as soon as you treat me like I am nothing to you, then you should expect the same from me. Maybe not to quite that extreme, but you will lose my close friendship. That sounds like a horrible thing to say, but honestly, I'm tired of being drained by giving and never receiving...not all my friends are like this, but some are.

It's a new day.

Another day..

Today was such a blahhh day! I feel very unproductive..but yet, I'm okay with that! It was weird not going to campus today.

I felt really ill last night. I couldn't fall asleep because I was coughing so excessively..at one point I even coughed up blood. I just shrugged that off as part of the healing process though..no worries! I just want to be back to normal..I'm over this whole sick thing..forreal!

Last night (prior to the trying to fall asleep part), was fantastic! It's always good to have a friend that you can go to, no matter what, and just reveal every thought, every problem, every fear, every..everything! It was such a relief to be able to just empty out all of the bottled-up feelings and thoughts and not have someone judge you for them. Thank you friend, for always being there for me! =)

It's a big, big world out there..

Have you ever felt like you're facing the world all alone? Like, it's you against the world..no one on your side..I think I feel that way now. I mean, I have friends that are there for me, but I feel like no one can understand what I'm going through, but I want them to. I want to open up and just pour out my emotions and thoughts and struggles, but I just can't do it. Why? Because the last time I did that I was thrown to the curb...a friend found a reason to basically get up and leave me. Leave me stranded to face my trials and struggles (that they, essentially, exposed) by myself. I guess that is possibly what is expected out of life. But if that's what is expected, then I don't like it! Maybe I shouldn't be so reliant on the support of other people, maybe I should continue to build a wall and rely only on the support of my own two feet. I'm so lost at the moment, and all I can do is hide it. Pretend that I'm still the peppy, full-of-energy, focused girl that everyone sees and knows. Who cares what's going on in the inside...all that matters is that everyone else is happy...


To those of you that are my true friends, this is, of course, not directed toward you! disclaimer..=)

Drunken Dilemma's

As I lie in my bed, my nasal spray to my right and 2 empty beer cans accompanying it, I think back to last night. After such a long ass week with so much bullshit, I really just wanted to get wasted last night. I'm not gonna lie about it...I'm not an alcoholic, but everyone knows that sometimes alcohol can just help you set aside your current worries and just relax. Well, that's exactly what it did for me last night, and I'm very thankful for it! Although, I do not appreciate the stolen beer (Jesus and his friends! haha). I'm glad that my girlies could come over, I'm not sure I'd ever seen Tijuana drunk and it's been awhile since I've seen Allison drunk (haha I've missed that!)! So, that was fun! Probably played out the game of kings...3 games at my apt and then 3 or 4 at Jesus'. Nonetheless, it was still fun! I'll probably take a break from it tonight...

One per day

I figure the more daily I write in this blog, the more accustomed I will become to using it. After reading Tijuana's post, I feel like it's a day for friends, no? Sometimes you have to take a step back to realize who your true friends are. I guess I did that. I spent a semester focusing on myself and not maintaining relationships that I should've...this is hard to admit...but I started this semester differently. Guess who was there? Those friends that I put on the back burner for a bit, they were right there...waiting for me. What a relief! To know that I didn't ruin something so special to me. I jumped right back into these relationships like nothing had changed, I love them for that! This shows me who my true friends are...this makes me realize that I'd be so different without them. I'm not good at writing all this...but there you are! i love my friends..my real friends..my true friends..my friends forever! =)

What's up Doc?

Soo..ear started hurting last night, and definitely predicted an ear infection. So, I woke up this morning, went to class and then went to the doctors office. After looking at my ears and sinuses, she informed me that I have a ruptured (perforated) eardrum! Not exciting! This means that I have to take meds for 3 wks, have muffled hearing for 2 wks, and have to have bi-weekly checkups to make sure everything heals correctly..anyone want to kill me now?! Oh well...I'll live...! =)

Blahhh weather.

This is how I feel about this weather...says it all.

Snow?

So, everyone seems to be writing about this snowstorm, guess I should add to the mix. I don't mind jumping on the bandwagon. Left the house at 7:30am to a small, but quite lovely, snowy downfall. I was quite impressed with the less-than-below freezing temperature, but yet beautiful white mix falling from the sky. "What a beautiful winter wonderland", I thought. Anyway, headed off to class and patiently enjoyed learning about the perpetual and periodic journal entry writing that takes place in accounting, what an interesting topic! My mind drifted off for a split second, only to realize that a blizzard was occurring outside. I could no longer see the parking lot that was feet away, instead the air was filled with snowflakes and you could almost see the temperature falling. I was nervous. Scared. Yet excited at the thought that I could possibly give my day up to much-needed rest with the possibility of canceled classes. The clock struck 8:50, and I bundled myself up and prepared to expose myself to this wintery mess. I couldn't see. The snow was so strong and the wind was so fierce, that it hindered my visibility to the outside world. This immediately made me think that class would definitely be canceled, but it's not. Let's hope that when it starts back up at 4, it will really be a ridiculous blizzard!

HIiiii

I'm starting a blog...I will write more later. Did I mention I'm a procrastinator?