Bitter Sweet.

This time of year always causes mixed emotions. Graduation in college is a lot different than in high school. Every year a handful of your friends graduate. After that day, they are no longer tied down to the area that they've spent the last 4 years. Once they walk across that stage, they're an adult. It's weird because in high school I really only became close to my class; sure I had older friends, but it wasn't the same as in college. And, if I want to see my high school friends again then I'd just go home. Now, once my friends graduate, they all disperse. Some go back to their hometowns, some find jobs in other cities, states even countries. The odds of even seeing them again quickly diminishes as the years pass. And it's not like I spent the last few years just going to classes with them, I've lived with them. We've all significantly grown together. Learning who we are, how to take care of ourselves, and how to ace these rather ridiculously hard courses. Although I am very excited for the semester to be over and for summer to begin, I can't help to be sad as I watch my friends finally reek the benefits of being a college graduate. So, congratulations to the class of 2010, but please come visit me!

Love/Hate Relationship?

As much as I hate finals week, I love it just the same. It's a week that tells me that the semester is almost over, and a full 4 months of Summer is awaiting me. The time spent studying is far less than the time spent bullshitting this week. There are a few more days that I actually get to sleep in. It's the end-of-the-year company party that everyone looks forward to. It's a sign that we're close to graduation. I don't know, I hate the idea of finals, but doesn't everyone? I sometimes look, though, at how good finals week can be. There are a lot of positives to it.

Before I die.

Life is too short not to do things that you dream of. Why spend life just struggling to get by and not living it? I think this is something that most people don't really think about. Everyone just does what comes to them: go to school, get a degree, get a job, pay bills, have family, etc. Granted, this is the nuclear standard, but still..to some extent, most people just do what they need to do in order to survive happily. Anyway, right here and right now, I am gonna make a small list...a list of things that I really wanna do before I die. I want to make the most of the time I have here on this Earth because who knows what will happen after I die. So here goes:

1. Audition for something big. Be it American Idol, Real World, or some other big reality show...I just wanna try!

2. Delete my facebook. I know this will take a long time before I do this, but I want to do it anyway. Someday, just press delete.

3. Engross myself in a foreign country. Whether for a week or a year, I want to go somewhere foreign and really experience it. I want to be more than a tourist.

4. Say thank you to my mom. My mother has been the biggest, and I mean biggest, help to me throughout my entire life in every aspect. I want to just say thank you, I don't know how, but I want to thank her and allow her to see how deeply appreciate I am.

5. Buy something designer. I just wanna throw away $300 on a designer bag or shoes or jeans. Can't take money with you when you die, so might as well spend it on something somewhat enjoyable.

6. Go on a trip with just me and my siblings when we're older. We can seriously have the most fun together when we're alone, and I'd really like to just spend quality time with them away from our normal environments.

7. Ride in a helicopter. Kind of self-explanatory. Maybe over an island.

8. Bottle-feed an animal. I just think this would be the cutest thing. I would love to bottle-feed some animal back to health and then give it to a family that could really appreciate it.

9. Go to a pumpkin patch. I've never been to a real pumpkin patch equipped with hay ride and corn maze. I think it would be fun!

10. Drive on the autobahn...not sure if that's spelled correctly. You know, in Germany where you can drive as fast as you want. It seems basically meant for me.

11. Go to a Vegas strip club. Okay, that sounds really horrible. But, I think it would be a load of fun!

12. Dance on a table, or maybe a bar. What a exemplary way to let loose!

13. Confront my past. I want to be able to talk about what has happened to me because I think it would help me learn from it and come to terms with it.

14. Submit some sort of writing to a publication. I want someone to be able to get something from the papers that I'm forced to write. I think it would make me less bitter for writing all of them.

15. Camp outside of a store on black Friday. I want to try and get an amazing deal on black Friday, such a great deal that I had to camp outside overnight and be the first one in the door!

16. Choreograph an entire dance and perform it at a club. I don't mean perform like on stage. But, whip it out and have the entire place cheering me on.

17. Coach a cheerleading squad. The nine years I was a cheerleader were seriously the best years of my life. As much blood, sweat and tears as I put into it, I enjoyed every single second of it. Most people don't think cheerleading is a sport and that is probably the one thing that pisses me off the most. I want to see the world try it.

18. Go snorkeling. I regret not doing this when we went to the Caribbean...and I plan to do this one day!

19. Say thank you for those that hurt me because they've made me stronger.

20. Learn how to be a bartender. I really wanna know how to make some kick-ass drinks, not that I already don't..but more! Plus, I could make some damn good money.

21. Talk to a deaf person. Whether they can read my lips or I can write on paper what I need to say, I want to know how they experience the world without hearing.

22. Meet someone famous.

23. Create a website. And a good one. That a lot of people will visit!

24. Create a marketing campaign. I don't care if it gets shot down, I want to create one for a big company and present it to them. If they like it, super and if not, at least I know I tried.

25. Be celibate. For at least a month. This has to be possible!

Ok, I'm gonna stop there for now. I think this is a good beginning. I will add on to this eventually. But, for now, this is what I got!

Well hello down there..

I'm just gonna put this out there on my blog for all to read. My boobs feel really low today. I didn't change anything, typical bra, standard cami..and yet, they're low. I don't like this feeling. I hope that this isn't how they'll look in a few years. This is the downfall (no pun intended) of big boobs. Ok, that is all...so don't make fun of my boobs today! And if you want to contribute to my boob lift fund..I will be collecting donations for the next 10 years..maybe 15!

Ugh.

So, after changing my relationship status on facebook, I knew that I'd have a backlash from Alan (not you Alana-Michelle!). Sure enough, I get an IM as soon as he gets on skype a little while ago. And the first thing he says, aside from the standard greetings, was about the relationship status change. It's so frustrating..I know that we talked pretty seriously for the past two months or so, but who was to know that things would change so drastically. It's not like we were together or even really openly considering that..we just flirted and talked about being excited to see and be with one another. He basically was just as confused as I was. Which I understand, but I just kinda feel smushed. He reminds me of Adam, not current Adam but old teacher Adam from last year. They are very similar creatures, those two. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't talk to me for a year, and then when I've figured my life out and am facebook single again, he'll be right back in front of me. It makes me wonder, was it me they were interested in or the idea of me? I was just an available girl that they were attracted to so they went after it, and once I was unreachable they backed off...but once I'm back in arms reach they come running back for more. This is so stupid. Why do I let those little sly comments get to me?! He was being so sweet about it in a sneaky way. Trying to boost his own self confidence? idk..maybe that's just me trying to boost my own because I feel bad for it. But, I shouldn't feel bad. WE WEREN'T TOGETHER! I think this is hard for me to come to terms with, and i dont know why. I feel like I broke a heart...blegh. I guess we'll see what happens...I'm so confused right now. I really don't know what I want. I know one thing, I need to stop watching sappy movies because all I can think about is being in love, and I'm not so sure I need that right now!

Confusion.

Another great night with Adam last night. He came over around 9pm and surprised me because I was expecting to drive out to his place and see him, but sure enough, he was waiting by my car when I walked outside to leave. It was a fun night, and we did a lot of talking. He reminded me of his deployment, though, which I don't want to think about, but I guess that I should. Maybe I should stop getting involved with military boys. It just seems like it's always gonna be a downer. I'm always gonna get stuck being let down. And, granted, he'll be back around mid-2011, but who knows what'll happen between now and then. I'm just not sure whether or not I want to get involved, and I don't even know if he wants to. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions with this whole thing. He probably just wants a casual relationship because he knows he can't become committed. Since I'm easy, he chose me. Blegh.

House.

I've been waiting for everyone else to write about this, but I can't wait any longer..and need to go ahead and do it myself! haha

We finally got a house! Aimee, Allison, Tijuana and myself will be living together once again, and can I just say..what a sigh of relief?! It's rare to find a group of people...girls..that you can get along with enough to live together. And I can say that I know we'll be fine because we've lived together before and look how we turned out..still friends. I'm so over my current living situation, that I'm so stoked to live with the best girls ever! Hopefully, though, I can figure out this damn apartment deal and find someone to take over my lease..or something! It's so frustrating to have money payments lingering over your head! Nonetheless, can't wait for move-in! =) Party central, fyi. ;)

Cookout.

i want to have a cookout! Equipped with hamburgers, hotdogs, chips, potato salad and beer. This should be the kickoff to summertime! I looove this idea! Maybe I should wait til Tijuana moves in, it can be her coming home partayyy! yes!! =)

Occupied.

I feel like my mind is forever filled up with boy thoughts. This is bad. i don't know which one I want, or what I want with which one, or if I want anything with anyone..more than what they all already are. I just want more deep thoughts going on...come on head, get with the program!