So torn.

As much fun as it is to have more than one boy, it's not as fun when feelings start to get involved...so lost on what I should do, what's gonna happen, and what will make me happy...ah man, I guess I'll let life run its course..maybe I'm over thinking things.

What I take for granted...

I think I've noticed a lot of things that I take for granted recently, so I've decided to make a list: sunny days, the sun, warmth, a stable home, a stable-ish family, deep conversations, friends to have those conversations with, alone time, hot showers, blooming flowers, great ideas, bad ideas, mediocre ideas...comfortable chairs, beds and couches..a place to lay my head at night, money for food to eat, clothes..lots of em, a walk-in closet, my own bathroom, rain, cuddle buddies, good music, good tears, bad tears, the ability to cry, walking barefoot, ability to walk, run, hide...thoughts, a mind, college, understanding people, people that make me smile, people that say hi, strangers, new friends, old friends, family...siblings that get me, siblings that can fight with me but ultimately love me, parents that do the same, bulletin boards, post-its, boats, cars, gas money, holidays, God?, ability to make my own decisions, making those decisions, independence, freedom, liberty, the country I live in, the countries I will or have visited, awkward moments, embarrassing moments, memories, pictures, beauty...

I could go on and on, but the point is..there is so much in life that we may take for granted...even of the smallest things, and I wanted to bring those amazing opportunities to life..even if only for a second. I am thankful that I have all of these things and more. Life is good...as good as it should be at the moment. =)

Waiting.

I'm sitting in my living room, with 2 sleeping souls next to me, and wondering what I should do. Should I mess with them? Or no? It's very tempting! So vulnerable to my attacks! They may read this later and thank me for not doing anything at all because I just don't have the heart to bother the sleeping beauties! =)

Insight.

I wish I had something insightful to write about. I think I'd like to write something along those lines, but I got nothing in my head right now. Only 6 more weeks of the semester, and I'm soo stoked! I'm ready for Audrey to be gone and to have Tijuana here for the summer! It's gonna be grreat!! I don't need drama anymore because, frankly, it's getting rather old. I think the climate change is a character change. No more arguments, just apathy. ? hmm..maybe that will work for me

Experiences.

Someone's gotta write this stuff down! Last night, went to a potluck with Allison and Tijuana, in the middle got bombarded with shitty texts from Sara, that I really didn't want to deal with. Seriously, I get these messages probably about once a week, where she's trying to "help", but in actuality wants to be nosey and a bitch and then claim that I'm the bitchy one. I couldn't handle it, so I told the girls I wanted to leave and just drive. So, we took my car, stopped at WaWa for a pee break, then rushed by the shipyard to see if we could have eye sex with any sexy navy boys (no luck!), and then we were on our way. Letting our wheels take us wherever they led us. Interestingly enough, it led us right to Ocean View Beach (I think that's the naame..someone verify!). It was pretty at night. With the lights from Norfolk shining down across the water, my favorite scene. We went onto the pier, hoping we could cross the restaurant and get to the actual pier part. At first there was a scary man, and we didn't want to get raped or killed for crossing onto his pier, so we decided to go upstairs in this restaurant. It was really pretty up there, and then we found it. The boat mobile! Seriously, best invention ever. The entire table and bench rocked. It was out of this world! ;) No, but seriously, it was very cool and I would love to go really eat and sit there sometime. Anyway, after freezing our asses off, we decided it was time to end that adventure and try to get into a bar without IDs (this would have been a fun plan, btw!). However, Tijuana had found a secret exit..well, not so secret with the decorate exit sign, but still. This exit just so happened to lead straight to the other side of the pier. So, feeling rebellious, we went. We tried not to stare at the scary man at the gate, and just walked down the pier. It was fun, very long, but fun. And well, well, well...got to the end of the pier, and what do we find? Only 3 of our new best friends! There were 3 guys at the end of the pier just fishing..go figure...and we just started chatting it up, this is normal for me anywhere I go, btw. It was fun, though..except for the whole scaring me with fish thing! But, the prank phone calls, silly voices, truffle shuffle, story-telling, it was just fun. Being with those kids kind of reminds me of the river. Everyone knows everyone, all your friends are intermingled, everything revolves around the water. You learn at a young age that if you don't like the water, you'll have no interest there. So, that's what everyone does. And, not that it's a bad thing, but for me, it's gotten so old. I like going to the river, don't get me wrong, but it's a very nosey atmosphere there. I feel like many people think that because I've always wanted to live in an urban area when I grow up, it's because that's all I've known. And, that's really not even true. I've been to the river almost every summer since I was a baby, usually for weeks on end especially when I was younger and didn't have work. And, it was a lot of fun. I used to love spending my summers down there. Riding in the boats, tubing, jet skiing, tanning, swimming, crabbing, fireworks on the cove, tire swing over the cove, friends, summer romance, all that jazz. But, as I got older I learned how much everyone knew my business. I would be gone all school year, and come back..and the entire street knew everything. Boyfriends, friendships, first kiss, second kiss, third kiss (I could keep going..), drunk stories, anything. And, I loved these people, they have been my second family since I was born, but still, I don't want them to know that much detail about my life. And, if I did, I would tell them. It's just funny how so many people dream of living in small towns, to me, it's funny. I wouldn't dream of it. I don't want it. I wanna find my family inside the city that I live in. That would be ideal. Although, I wouldn't mind living near water. That has nothing to do with it! haha

Inspiration.

Just finished watching Julie & Julia, and I must say it is quite inspirational. Maybe I should give myself a mission to complete just like Julie Powell did, or maybe that's exactly what she wanted us to do as we watched her movie and/or read her book. I don't want to fulfill someone else's dream, I want to fulfill my own. Guess I just need to discover what that dream really is.

Selfish or selfless?

Are we here to serve ourselves? I feel like I've gradually learned that everyone on Earth will, in some way or another, serve themselves ultimately. It's all about keeping yourself happy, and although we may say that our goal is to help others, that makes us happy, with would be us serving ourselves again. I guess it's an endless cycle. To me, though, we're a selfish nation, a selfish continent, a selfish world. Maybe I should stop worrying about the way that other people treat me and just realize that they're fulfilling their ultimate requirement in life, to make themselves happy.

Love.

I put my iTunes on shuffle..always..but recently, it seems to be reminding me of love. Every song seems to be a sappy love song about being in a relationship, in love or something cutesy like that. I'm not sure if it's the change in temperature or the constant reminder that everyone is in a relationship around me. I know I don't want to be in one, I know that I like being single, but the music I'm surrounded by keeps making me unsure. Do I want to keep having fun or am I ready to settle down? But, do I really want to put myself at risk again to get hurt? These are the thoughts I toy with in my head.

..

I have nothing else to say. Except, I'M GETTING MY NEW CAR TODAYYYY!! It's about damn time! Not new, just new to me! =)

Purpo

Just finished watching "My Sister's Keeper", and what a sad, but thought-provoking movie! If you haven't seen it and don't want me to ruin the ending, then I wouldn't read this blog..just a disclaimer. Anyway, as I sat crying in Panera, I realized that I wasn't crying because this girl undeservingly had to die. I was crying because I realized the purpose that, as a society, we've created for ourselves. Is our purpose not to live? Almost everything we do, or don't do, is a result of trying to maintain our life. We're sick? We go to the doctor. We're hurt? We go to the doctor. We're smart? We find cures. It's risky? Don't do it. And, I'm not saying that it's wrong for us to have created such a purpose, but when can we make the decision to finally go? We always ask the question, how do you want to die? For me, I couldn't tell you. I know I want to live my life out, but if I die to save or help another family member or friend or person in general, then I am okay with that as well. I don't want to live until I take my last struggling breath at the age of 102. What's the purpose of living such a long life? Why not stop taking precautions, live life how I want, and if it takes my life, then so be it! At least my life will have been fulfilled, in my eyes. Life is so complex, and I don't think it's okay to live life trying to take every precaution in order to preserve mine until I'm well over a century old. I just don't see the purpose in that. It all comes back to that word: purpose. And people will probably disagree with me about my idea of human purpose, but I believe it. I believe we are so focused on surviving, that death scares us. And why should it?! It's a natural progression. It's going to happen. Whether as a young child or a seasoned adult, I think our focus should be on living our life and making sure those who are dying around us can die peacefully. Let them go when they're ready. Let them decide. And, if you feel that they can't decide for themselves, then you make the decision. Don't let the questionable nature of the afterlife affect you, and don't you dare be selfish and keep them around for your own well-being. How profound of me, eh?! I don't know...something to think about, I guess.

Oh life, you have a way of figuring yourself out..right?!

A lot has happened in the last few days, I guesss..I've realized how tired I am of the bullshit, and how much I really don't like living arrangements I am currently involved in. Maybe this happens to me often..after living with someone for so long, I notice every little quirk, and everything just starts to eat away at me. I think by choosing to not go home the last couple days, and spending nights with my girls has reminded me how much they made for the best roommates! Why not go back to that?! I'm tired of tip-toeing around my home, having to be uncomfortable where I live, and feeling like I do not deserve to live the way I want to because the person I live with is "superior". Only 7 and a half more weeks, let me keep telling myself that.

More for what has happened...apparently, my parents are buying me a new car today..well, not new..but new to me! I haven't even seen it which makes me nervous, but anything is better than having no automobile at all! It's about time! haha I'm thankful that my entire family has jumped on board with aiding in this search. So hopefully by Thursday I'll have a new ride! We'll see!

I also went to see the campus recruiter for Target today because they were on campus talking to students. Well, I talked to her about trying to get me down in this district (tidewater) for the summer, and she said that the District Team Lead (manager) for the Richmond district doesn't want to give me up, and is basically making me go back to Richmond for the internship this summer. This worries me. I'm going to be paying rent in Newport News, so I have to stay here to live, but do I want to commute to Richmond everyday? I'm not sure what to do. The money is definitely right, but that is the worst commute on the planet! haha Apparently they want me at the Short Pump store, and I've never worked a high volume store. But maybe there are hotter guys at the store! We'll see!

And finally, how about this weather?! I fucking love it. I don't know how else to put it. Unfortunately, it demotivates me from going to class, but that's ok! I'm so glad the cold weather is gone, hopefully not just temporarily! Beautiful day!

Mother?

My biggest pet peeve, and I mean BIGGEST, is when people treat me like I am subservient or of lesser importance, or just the scum between their toes..and worst of all, like their child! When someone talks down to me and wants to treat me like that, expect me to shut down and be pissed. Story comes out, ok, so apparently this weekend Audrey's ugly ass picture frame broke..who gives a fuck, consider me doing you a favor..because it was ugly! Anyway, I really have no idea what happened to it, can't really recall..go figure! haha..But, she comes at me like it's a huge deal. Telling me that she feels like she can't leave for long periods of time because something always happens. Well, then don't leave! I don't care! Stop trying to talk down to me every time something bad happens. I'm thoroughly sick of it! I don't understand why someone feels the need to treat someone like that..I'm an adult just like you, so please speak to me like anything less. I feel like just because I'm not the age of everyone else, just a few months younger, I get treated like I'm some baby...I'm not a baby! I'm not a child! I'm not even a teenager! And, I sure as hell ain't yours anyway! Learn how to speak to me, and then maybe we can work out your broken shit problem!

Impatience.

I am not the patient type. I'm okay with that. Definitely grown to accept it. But, right now..it's eating away at me! I feel like I've found such good cars, but my mom keeps looking elsewhere. There will always be others, but eventually you have to stop looking and choose! I'm in a bind, and she doesn't seem to understand because she obviously has a car! This is frustrating..I just want to get one! I like the Cavalier...let's go get it! Booooo

Decisions...decisions.

Spent the day shopping for cars with my mom. Started at 9am, and now look..it's 530pm, and I just got home. I'm happy, though, with the way it all turned out. Now i have 2 cars that I'm looking it, and it's just a matter of getting our mechanic to look at them both before making a final decision. Car shopping is so unnerving..you have only a certain amount of money you can spend, but there's certain things you obviously want. You go to these random places and you're either attacked by 50 people or you have to search for someone to help you..then, when something is wrong with the car, they act like they didn't know..when, in actuality, we all know they did! It's ok..at least I have a plan A and plan B, now I just hope I get the green light from the mechanic, and I'll be set! Being without a car has been quite annoying, not only for me..but probably for everyone else that has given me rides, thank you guys for that though!! Wish me luck tomorrow!